Request For Proposals
Amended Version 1.1
Hyper-Refrigerated Dairy Products Torque Converter
Handle for my Ice Cream Maker
History
Objective
Compensation
Prototype Handle Diagram
Minimum Requirements
Optional Requirements
Will this help me obtain LOMS membership?
Conclusion
Contacts
Amendments
Velocity Specifications
After years of faithful service, the original prototype torque converter (referred to henceforth
as "handle") for my hyper-refrigerated dairy products production device (referred to henceforth
as "ice cream maker") failed in mid-batch. Through heroic and self-sacrificial action I saved
that batch, allthough in a less than optimum form. However, until means of duplicating the
action of the now defunct torque converter are found, our future enjoyment of hyper-refrigerated
dairy products is imperiled.
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The successful bidder shall provide plans, instructions, facilities and workers which
shall bring about the creation of a replaced or refurbished handle for my ice cream
maker. The successful proposal shall provide sufficient details to unsure the success of the
replaced or refurbished torque converter.
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The successful bidder shall be compensated with the first batch of ice cream made using the
handle produced via the successful plans, instructions, etc... The successful
bidder is required to consume at least some part of said first batch, but may request it
be a particular flavor. (Success in obtaining specified flavor not guaranteed.)
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Prototype Handle Diagram
This is a diagram of the original handle design. All segments of this handle
still exist except for the hex drive shaft.
Diagram 1: Handle Prototype
The parts are, in order from left to right, top to bottom:
A. Handle grip (round object)
B. Handle (10mm thick until over bearing seat, where it is 15mm thick.)
C. Bearing seat
D. Hex drive shaft
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The proposed replacement handle shall meet the following specifications. These specifications
are not negotiable, since they are subject to matters outside of the control or domain of this
RFP.
Hex Drive Shaft:
Kinetic Energy Transference Interface.
Diameter: 10mm, measured from flat to flat.
Length: 35mm minimum, 42mm maximum. Must be able to be cut to size, if needed. (Titanium or
Iconel materials my prove unsuitable.)
Bearing seat:
Provides proper alignment for the Chilled Dairy Products Separation and Chaoticifying Planar
Assembly. (For CDPSACPA definition see: Amendments; Velocity.)
Diameter:17.5mm
Length:30mm
Clearance Beneath Handle:
There must be room beneath the handle for a box 210mm x 210mm x 210mm. This is the
containment zone for the Dairy Product Energy Depletion Mechanism. Neither he handle nor handle
grip may in any way intrude into this area. The bearing shaft and hex drive shaft, by design
and necessity, do penetrate through the geometric center of the top surface of this zone.
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Power Source:
The prototype handle was powered by a standard human arm, gender unspecified. As this
powersource is readily available proposals need not include it in the specifications.
However, if another power source is required (electomagnetic, nuclear, steam, coal,
time/space friction, etc...) then that power source must be specified and its procurement
costs must be included in the proposal.
Use of prototype handle as parts or material:
The prototype handle may be used by the design, in whole or in part. It may also be
replaced completely by the new design, as the designer sees fit.
Noise levels:
Local ordinances require that noise levels produced by this device be kept below the 120
decibel level, as measured from 10 feet away in clear air, corrected to standard temperature
and pressure.
Asthetic values:
May be completely disregarded in favor of pure functional excellence.
Beyond that, it wouldn't hurt for the handles appearance to have a theme, such as
neo-modern, Geiger-esque, art-deco, lego sculpture, or industrial.
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It has been asked whether having a succesful design will provide LOMS* membership.
The answer is: NO. In fact, it may be more benificial to provide a highly unsuccessful proposal,
thus providing a better glimpse into your creative brilliance, unfettered by the paltry
demands of vague concepts such as "reality" and "practicality."
However, LOMS does place a value on the actualization of inspired thought, therefore having
your design accepted will place you in the queue for evaluation by the LOMS board. NOTE:
spectacularly UNSUCCESSFUL proposals will have the same effect.
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The process of dairy product hyper-refrigeration is not for the faint of heart. The
successful proposal shall be frugal and highly "do-able." Naturally, unsuccesful proposals
will be much more interesting, but, due to a dissapointing lack of funds, cannot be
implemented at this time.
Nevertheless, this is no time for the meek. Good Luck.
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Send proposals or inqueries to: LOMS #2: Care of Kwagner@Erols.com
* LOMS = League Of Mad Scientists
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Amended version 1.1 on 12/5/97, LOMS #2
The handle transfers kinetic energy via the Hex Drive Shaft to the Chilled Dairy Products
Separation and Chaoticifying Planar Assembly ("mixing blade", not pictured) in a clockwise
(viewed from above the assembly) direction. The rate of energy transference is surprisingly
low, in the order of .50 revolutions per second. In addition, such phases of energy
transference only continue for at most 5 seconds at a time, with discontinuities of 5 minutes
between transference phases. This intermittant energy transference continues until the dairy
product emulsion reaches an acceptable tactile density.
Please note that this tactile density produces a large anti-torque moment, which the original,
prototype handle was unable to counter without experiencing structural failure. Care should
be taken to over-engineer your designs sufficiently to ensure structural integrity when
transfering torque loads up to the point where the emulsion tactile density reaches a level
commonly known as 'soft serve.'
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Copyright © - Kirk Wagner
Send comments to: Kwagner@Erols.com
Last updated: 12/05/97